My YES was the Gateway to my Healing Journey

I am finally able to say…I am Tonya Bailey Jones..and genuinely know and LOVE who that is!!! From as far back as I can remember, I never felt like I knew who I was or felt like I was accepted for the “me” I was. Over my adult life, I portrayed and became who I thought I should be according to the validation of others. But, I always knew something was amiss. With the distractions of adulthood, parenting, and 20-years of active military service, I was able to dismiss “the feeling” and carry on as if all was good for decades. But upon retirement, there came a point where the distractions lessened. Children grew older and needed less of me. There was quiet around me and the heaviness mounted until I could no longer ignore “the feeling.” I could no longer hide behind the MASK I had created.

I wanted to feel better, but didn’t know what that meant. What I did know was that life couldn’t go on the way it was. Something had to change. The depression set in, the anxiety pressed upon me, and the isolation came, removing me from what was my normal existence. I never left my Faith though. But I became aware that the joy and peace that was described in God’s Word was not what lived inside of me. Instead, it was dark, dreary and all-consuming.

BUT…God was never far away!!! I began to wonder what purpose God had for my life. It was like a continuous thorn in my side to find it. I began with life coaching. It was there that I was told that I had some healing to do. It was there that I was told that if I wanted to find purpose, I had to be willing to find it in my pain. As I desperately wanted to live in purpose, I set out to understand the unknown pain that had gripped my life and finally remove the MASK I had hidden behind since my teenage years.

Therapy session after therapy session, I dealt with the symptoms of my pain. Then, came that session that made me go DEEPER…I had to go beyond the superficial discussions I was having…I had to deal with some issues from my past. It was there that I began to talk about the thing I left behind some 33 years before. It was time to talk about the abortion.

The abortion wasn’t lost somewhere in my memory. I would think about it often…too often as far as I was concerned. It wasn’t the thought of the abortion that bothered me. It was the disconnect I often felt regarding the baby that bothered me. It was the feeling of anger that lingered for myself. I was angry that I never thought past the procedure itself. Then I became angry because I couldn't remember the procedure. I was angry at the people who were involved in my making that decision. I was angry at the love I lost because of the decision. I was angry because it was a decision I didn’t want to make, but I couldn’t think of any other way to escape the place I found myself…to escape the mess I had made of my life. My anger and disconnect only grew as time went along because of the mounting poor decisions that I continued to make for decades. All of this forced me to push it all down, and present myself in an acceptable way to others. The MASK worked for decades. But… it was now time to deal with it…ALL of it. It was time to think about what truly happened…ALL of what happened. It was time for me to say YES to God!

God laid the path like only He could. He presented me with a post-abortive healing retreat. It was there that I released my full story and all my feelings that surrounded it. It was there that I expressed all of the anger. It was there that I opened my soul to God. It was there that I found forgiveness for the abortion at age 17 and the two others that followed. I had confessed it openly to God and to the others with whom I found solace and support. I found strength in the stories of others. I found compassion for them and their stories as well; which allowed me to find it for myself. It was then that I was able to begin the healing journey that has led to a new found freedom.

The shackles of shame that once held me from my purpose…that once kept me silent…that once took my life from me…have been removed!!! For that, I give all glory and honor to the Most High God!!!

But…IT ALL STARTED WITH MY YES…first! It has been a lot of work, but worth every effort. My heart is at peace and I have joy. I have found my purpose…and it came through my pain. Self-forgiveness is not simple nor is it easy. But, it is possible. There is hope!

God has sent me to help “heal the brokenhearted” and to help them find “beauty for ashes!” (Isaiah 61:1-3) Never had I thought that through my regret, guilt and shame, I would find my purpose. I didn’t know that THIS thing that the devil intended for my destruction, God intended it for my good AND HIS GLORY!

I am Tonya Bailey Jones and I am forgiven…by God AND myself…and I AM HEALED, WHOLE AND WALKING IN FREEDOM!!!